Sniff Speed Dating

 

 

Dear Betty,

We’re really excited that you are joining join Daz generic washing powder brand and our celebrity host Jennifer Ellison to give your senses the work out they deserve! Below is a top line overview of what to expect on the night – the night is completely free and it’s going to be lots of fun!

On the night:

There will be three rounds all based around the scents and smells that really get you going.  For each round you will be asked to discuss smells that either take you back, represent you or just something you couldn’t live without.

With complimentary cocktails and canapés on arrival, come along, join in the antics and celebrate the launch of two great smelling varieties – Mandarin and Lime Splash and Summer Flower Power.

We look forward to seeing you there!

Dating Original

Last Wednesday after bribing with the idea of free booze rounding up some eager single troops, I headed out to the inner (non homosexual) area of Soho to take part in the latest cheap promotion dating craze- sniff speed dating. Why I was initially targeted for this campaign is uncertain to me but meeting the men of London over free cocktails sounded a bit win win, even if we did have to revolve the conversation around aromas. 

The event was in a members only exclusive club- basically a very small overly white room with a shit load of mirrors, perfect.

My first date, a bald, awkward lawyer who lived scarily close to me in SW London, opened the ‘date’ by pulling out the following:

• Play doh
• Savlon cream
• Haribo sweets

Read into this what you will but at first I was terrified and pretty baffled as to where he had been prior to the event- Turned out he had taken the whole smell thing one step further and brought along props to back up his childhood smells- interesting start.

Next up a wasted dude called Jake, he swayed away from the smell discussion and instead asked me an interesting array of questions mainly revolved around my sexual preferences- considerate research?!

During my third date with a pretty awkward guy that looked like he worked in IT, the 'celebrity' guest mosied on up to us, plastered a massive fake smile on her chops and proceeded to ask if we had yet found 'love at first sniff' (genius pun) in probably the strongest scouse accent I have ever come across.

Brilliant, that got rid of the weird/forced atmosphere, especially as so far we had barely said hello.
Didn't think it could get anymore awkward until I managed to flick my marking pen lid right in her face smacking her in the eyebrow- she didn't find it as funny as me, surprisingly.

Date 4- Drunk guy's equally as drunk mate who out did him with the questions incorporating both the smell theme and sexual preferences- nice.

Date 5- Nervous Neil who wouldn’t look me in the eye and looked at least 20 years older than me.

Date 6- Cakey Collin who was walking around with a squashed fruit cake in his pocket (his favourite childhood scent apparently).

Date 7- A friendly guy from Turkey who proceeded to tell me he was searching for a wife like his sister who was living in Istanbul.

Things were getting very odd.

When the final bell rang I was surrounded by an impressive amount of empty cocktail glasses and yet my score sheet had been completely disregarded- not even alcohol goggles were helping out here.

When reunited with my friends we heard over the mic that the second half would commence in 10 minutes.
One quick look to the door, no words uttered just a simple nod, we made a break for it, each grabbing the goodie bag on route.

A few lessons learnt from this new dating experience:

• Smell isn’t the best discussion topic when dating.
• Jennifer Ellison is not a fan of Betty or flying pen lids.
• Free dating events attract attractive women accompanied by equally attractive friends…
• They also unfortunately attract oddball men who turn up solo.
• The new Summer Flower Power liquid wash really is a smell sensation.

One question- should I give the bog standard speed dating a whirl?

Thoughts/feelings?!

Tanorexic Betty

Recently I gave the whole fake tan idea a whirl, I was off to a wedding and felt the need to up my effort and do a bit of self maintenance. Not being a regular user the obvious happened and I got a bit tan happy, end result left me looking a bit like an extra for The Only way is Essex, brilliant.

When discussing the tanning delights with an old university friend she was quick to remind me of my old tanning habits with photographic evidence to back up her point.

Ladies and gentlemen I am now sharing with you this imagery as a way of educating anyone that turns to the bottle- live and learn. Do enjoy my pain:

Lessons learnt-  two applications ARE enough and always remember to do the entire body including the face.

X-rated Betty (almost)

*Reader warning- this post contains some references of an embarrassing sexual nature*

Back when I was a young fresh faced student I had many an awkward moment with the male species. I was newly single when I packed up my wears, headed northwards to uni and was not entirely sure how to act with this new role in the big world of undergraduate freedom.

One extreme case was when a male friend of mine from the village days decided to try his hand at student life for a weekend and came to visit me in my student digs.

After a night of drinking £1 voddy red bulls and cheeky vimtos, villager and I decided it was a good idea to go over the friend barrier and stumbled back to my breeze block bedroom.

Being the safe responsible young girlie I am I had a collection of protection devices in my top drawer and handed one over.

Village boy fumbled around for a while with said protection device and appeared to be struggling somewhat. Without warning he headed to my en-suite (posh student) and all that could be heard was a pretty eye watering snapping noise.

5 minutes passed and he returned to my single bed and lay next to me without a word. We both stared at the ceiling in silence, until in a very confused tone he announced ‘I don’t know if I have suddenly had a growth spurt but that wasn’t going on for anything.’

Suddenly remembering the range of free ‘protection devices’ I had picked up at the fresher fair I gasped and turned on the light- my suspicions were realised, I had handed over the item branded ‘trim’ on the front- I had wondered what all that was about, all made sense now. (Guess I should have been somewhat pleased it wasn’t of a sufficient fit).

Village boy was in a fair amount of pain the following day as he had in fact managed to shoe horn the item on for a few seconds (got to give the guy credit for his determination).

The next night however the usual student drunken blur resumed and we found ourselves back in my single bed in the same situation. This time I was certain there were no more trim antics and I confidently handed over the contraception. The awkward fumbling passion continued until he let out a shriek, jumped off the bed and shouted loudly ‘it’s burning.’

Panicked I turned the light on- the packet read ‘menthol.’

Some lessons learnt from this experience:

• Always check the small print
• Always leave the light on
• It wasn’t meant to be with village boy

Betty no dates

2011 so far has been very low down on the Betty dating stakes- I have basically not had a single glimmer of a date, it is now March, this is depressing.

My friends have been suggesting I re-visit the online dating world after I dismissed it so suddenly following my pasty date.

I did start to contemplate this option as partying and acting drunk/stupid busy London life seems to be getting in the way of meeting any potentials in the real world, apart from of course the lovely ‘Pants man’ and his award winning chat up line.

After much debate with myself I reluctantly logged into my account and read my first new message as below:

‘Even if it might feel a bit hard to talk to an unfamiliar guy.. who actually is kind inside, please surprise me Betty.. and drop me a line about how you are .. believe me it is at least as hard for me to start a conversation with someone who is only a bit more than a picture from the internet at the moment.. :) But I would like to know you a bit better.
Myself, I am looking for a human being in a female body! to have a chat and fun with. I think the reason behind this website is to have a nice time without force so let’s start with some light fun chat if you feel like, I would really appreciate it.
Where about in London do you live?’

I logged out.

Confirmed- Internet dating is not my bag.

I think I am going to give speed dating a bash.

Any other suggestions welcomed at this point.

Best chat up line ever- honest

This is a very short post which isn’t really a true post but i thought my readers and fellow blogger's would enjoy this snippet.

On Friday evening while patiently waiting to be served in a London pub I recevied THE best chat up line ever. A rather vertically challenged guy with a line shaved in his brow stated:

‘’Your eyes just made me come in my pants.’’

Definition of charmer. I was so overwhelmed all I could muster together to say was

‘‘Do you want a tissue?!’’

My love life is getting a tad depressing. Please help.

Betty and the Banker- Take 2

CONTINUED......(please read part 1)

Asked banker where he wanted to go he told me he had already pre planned where we would be heading for dinner- nice work organiser, I was impressed….until he led us through the town to the door of GBK. Now I am no snob or money grabber but I had a few issues with this plan:

1. The burgers are MASSIVE how on earth was I supposed to eat this with any kind of dignity? I had enough problems with the everyday knife and fork option with my wonky finger.

2. It is a restaurant that constantly makes an appearance on voucher codes

3. This guy earns a packet- his average bonus is more than I earn in a year and wasn’t shy in telling me (basically all he had spoken about the whole walk) why were we heading to an awkward to eat budget restaurant?!

4. I prefer Nandos

We sat down and after looking at all the tasty options I decided in order to best avoid obvious food spillage dramas I would have to opt for the vegetarian option- a giant mushroom pretending to be a burger- great.

He asked me what I wanted and after a slight look of disgust at my beverage choice of Savanna Dry he hot footed it to the counter where he proceeded to pull out a buy one get one free print out voucher- tight arse.

On return to the table banker continued with his money chat, finding himself hilarious with tales of his prediction of the credit crisis years ago and how he had actually benefited greatly from the downfall- really start to dislike this man and he had an ugly laugh with a sporadic snort.

Food arrived which instantly caused a huge pang of food envy- he had a burger piled with tasty treats, I had a big flat mushroom in bread. Take my anger out on the ketchup bottle which results in splash back on my lap-attractive.

Banker was now talking in detail of his second interest- Star Wars, this is beginning to turn into my absolute nightmare date, have a sneaky look around for hidden cameras, and unfortunately the conclusion is that this was in fact real.  

Following an extremely dull dinner with very little discussion on my part- I think I only spoke to let him know that he could tell me about the big bang theory if he wanted but I really wouldn’t listen, he went ahead and I true to my word zoned out, I did pre warn- we headed off to a bar. I was hoping that alcohol would maybe perk up this ridiculously dull/annoying situation.

After one drink we sat with empty glasses for an uncomfortable amount of time- I asked banker if we were having another drink or if he needed to get home. His response '‘Well I went to the bar and got the last drink so I really think it is your turn.'’ Holding my irritation I asked what he would like, his response ‘'a double JD and coke.’'

Now although I do believe in equality and do often offer to buy drinks on dates, this joker had been basically bragging about his earnings all night, surely I could at least be rewarded with a few drinks for listening to him bleat on? Also when he purchased the drinks he went for a budget pint of larger- what’s with the upgrade?

Most of my friends do tell me at this point I should have brought the two drinks, downed them both in front of him and then walked out without a word- I wish I had thought of this at the time.

Instead I stomp to the bar and remembering one of his rants from earlier on in the bar about girls drinking pints I opt for a pint of Hoegaarden which is served in a glass the size of my face, ask for his drink to be served in a small tumbler to make the impact even more effective.

Bang the huge glass down on the table and give Banker a sweet smile, he looked at me as though I had removed his carefully placed handkerchief and burnt it in front of his face (what I really wanted to do).

He drank down his drink in a record time of ten seconds not saying a word; I carefully slurped my giant beer holding it with two hands like a child with a beaker of milk. He no longer appeared to be talking, snorting or laughing- result.

Two seconds later he made his excuses and left me to my big beer, I called my best mate and we drank three more pints and a bottle of red wine- silver lining.

I refrained from contacting him again.

He did the same.

Not sure I will be dating a banker again

Betty and the Banker

Yesterday I was stumbling around The City of London (banker paradise) clutching Google map print outs, getting extremely lost trying to find venues to view for work.
In my polka dot coat, bright red shoes and crazy miss-matching scarf, I definitely did not fit into the suited and booted environment- I looked like a CBBC presenter on a scavenger hunt.

This episode took me right back to a date I had in my early days of London life when I agreed to go out with a banker, the experience I think contributed towards my allergy for them these days.

Here is the Betty B-esque tale:

I had always been a little wary of the whole banker idea being a general indie scruff that hangs out in Camden rather than Mayfair, but when I was asked out on a date within my first few weeks in London I thought I should go for it. It was my first date in the big city (and actual first date after a 4 year relationship), I needed to get back out on the scene plus rumour had it they earn a pretty hefty whack- not that I am materialistic but with the big move I was living like a student, a nice dinner would go down a right treat.

I first met the guy in question on a random night out in East London with new work colleagues; he just bowled over to us, brought us wine and asked for my business card- all new to me. It would seem pulling in the big smoke was altogether very different to the approach further North that I had been used to (usually involving bum gropes, bright coloured shots, unsubtle winks, thumbs up and high fives.)

On the evening of the date I met him at the train station ready and raring to take on the dating world idea, proud that I was already on a big date in the city- the London slightly clumsier version of Carrie Bradshaw, brilliant.

I instantly noticed that he was extremely suited up, shiny shoes, ironed shirt to the point of OCD standards and to top it off some kind of handkerchief in his top pocket (who owns handkerchiefs these days?!) Had a little look down at my appearance and was not entirely convinced he was going to dig the leopard print pumps and skinny jeans combo I had going on- I really should have run at this point…..