So for a change I rocked up pretty late for the date with the Barry fan (half an hour but I am ill you know, had to get cold busting supplies to see me through the night).
Arrogantly I had images of him sitting in the pub nursing a pint and staring at his phone, to my surprise he was actually in another pub with a mate. Now it was ME waiting and getting the first round in-not the way it should work surely!?
The man of many faces finally turns up and gives me an awkward hug. Seems ok, has a friendly face and hasn’t lied about his height, does look a bit like he would wear a jumper over his shoulders though.
Apologise to him for my gravelly tones, he lets me know it is turning him on- overshare
Throat takes a turn for the worse, fearing I am about to start wheezing old man style I tell him I am off for a throat spray. For some reason I feel the need to prove this to him by removing the spray from my bag, moving the nozel up and down while grinning at him- why do people call me socially inept?
Slight awakward silence occurs on my return, decide to break it with my favourite would you rather question.
‘’Would you rather eat a piece of poo or suck on a used tampon’’ (I like to shock).
Aside from a bit of a drink splurt he handles it pretty well with predictable boy answer tampon- new found respect for sensible home owner.
After forcing my red wine down my sandpaper throat (mentally note next drink break first date rule and go in for the pint, I need liquidation.) convince him to go to a cooler bar down the road. It has an amazing aray of lampshades on the ceiling plus has a pretty goodlooking crowd for me to gander at.
Start talking about look-a-likes, he seems pretty cagey about confessing his- boring.
Notice he is downing his pints at a rapid rate, I must be intimidating- excellent.
I struggle with one cider and tap water chaser, this has never happened, think the throat infection must be pretty fatal.
He goes off for his third bar visit and pats my bum on return, enjoy embarrssing him by pointing it out, loudly.
He finally confesses his friends tell him he looks like Anthony Costa (the tubby unattractive one from Blue) and Dane Bowers (equally tubby, unattractive guy from some other generic band.)
Can see why he didn’t want to share, his face has now morphed into both of them, cant get it out of my mind. (is that a direct Bowers quote?!)
I do most of the talking, he keeps telling me how funny I am- pointing out the obvious.
After exhausting all my chat and my limited voice we head off to get the train-drunken date announces to me he is off to buy a pasty, seems pretty impressed with this brilliant plan.
Finally make it to the train with stinking pasty in hand. He notices another ‘pasty buddy’ which he finds hilarious. Keeps pointing it out to me, raising his pasty in the air as a cheers to said pasty trougher- comedy genius.
Starts bleating on about how this could lead to a long term relationship as I am so funny- calm down number 1 fan. (would be flattered but this guy also found someone eating the same snack as him ridiculously funny)
Finally get to leave the train, silently very happy for the throat disease, no fear of kissing attempts.
Leave him grinning a little scarily at his half munched pasty.
Walking home I get a message- ‘We havbe to met for drink soon if your free, your a good laugh’’
Choose not to reply, bad grammer and spelling although he does make a good point.
I have been left questioning- had I been boozing would I be skipping home with him pasty in hand agreeing how funny i am?! For the first time ever I am happy to be sober.
Not sure online dating is for me.....