*Reader warning- this post contains some references of an embarrassing sexual nature*
Back when I was a young fresh faced student I had many an awkward moment with the male species. I was newly single when I packed up my wears, headed northwards to uni and was not entirely sure how to act with this new role in the big world of undergraduate freedom.
One extreme case was when a male friend of mine from the village days decided to try his hand at student life for a weekend and came to visit me in my student digs.
After a night of drinking £1 voddy red bulls and cheeky vimtos, villager and I decided it was a good idea to go over the friend barrier and stumbled back to my breeze block bedroom.
Being the safe responsible young girlie I am I had a collection of protection devices in my top drawer and handed one over.
Village boy fumbled around for a while with said protection device and appeared to be struggling somewhat. Without warning he headed to my en-suite (posh student) and all that could be heard was a pretty eye watering snapping noise.
5 minutes passed and he returned to my single bed and lay next to me without a word. We both stared at the ceiling in silence, until in a very confused tone he announced ‘I don’t know if I have suddenly had a growth spurt but that wasn’t going on for anything.’
Suddenly remembering the range of free ‘protection devices’ I had picked up at the fresher fair I gasped and turned on the light- my suspicions were realised, I had handed over the item branded ‘trim’ on the front- I had wondered what all that was about, all made sense now. (Guess I should have been somewhat pleased it wasn’t of a sufficient fit).
Village boy was in a fair amount of pain the following day as he had in fact managed to shoe horn the item on for a few seconds (got to give the guy credit for his determination).
The next night however the usual student drunken blur resumed and we found ourselves back in my single bed in the same situation. This time I was certain there were no more trim antics and I confidently handed over the contraception. The awkward fumbling passion continued until he let out a shriek, jumped off the bed and shouted loudly ‘it’s burning.’
Panicked I turned the light on- the packet read ‘menthol.’
Some lessons learnt from this experience:
- Always check the small print
- Always leave the light on
- It wasn’t meant to be with village boy
G E N I U S
ReplyDeleteYou've surpassed yourself with this one!
Amazing!
ReplyDeleteMy most embarrassing yet I feel…
ReplyDeleteAbsolute genius. You legend.
ReplyDeleteSpeechless.
ReplyDeletewww.harrytrident.com
You'd think he would have come back from the bathroom all cocky(!) and announced that it was far too small for him!
ReplyDeleteRapunzel x
*Tales from the Tower*
Haha! Trim condoms? I never knew such a thing existed. As if a bloke would ever stride up to the counter advertising he has a small tallywhacker...
ReplyDeleteThe writing on them things needs to be in glow in the dark! Colour coded? Scratch and sniff maybe? Forget the last one! Never mix up lubes ether... ; )
ReplyDeletehttp://thereismoretolovethanlife.blogspot.com/
This is amazing. Who knew trim condoms existed?! Nice way of putting it though, trim is so desirable nowadays. Not in this case. I bet he was convinced you were out to ruin his ability to have sex with anyone. Did he ever get over the pain you caused? Lol.
ReplyDeleteJust before I went to uni I was given 2 bags full and they were all on the small side. Not TRIM small but small enough to break, split or acquire issues enough that in the end I had to give in and admit it wasn't meant to be. That was a bad day...but it could have been worse, I might have only noticed the split afterwards.
Laura x
http://firstclassramblings.blogspot.com
Very funny and just how i remembered it. ;-)
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comments!
ReplyDeleteHarry pleased to see the shock factor there
Rapunzel, I think it was general confusion but yeah good point!
Bamberio- loving the use of the word tallywacker
Sophie not sure scratch and sniff will pan out, glow in the dark is a good shout though, take that to dragons den!
Laura, what is with these smalluns? Luckily I am yet to need such a thing
Anon glad I brought the memories back for you! (if you are who I think you are!)
of course i am who you think i am unless youve got a queue of men that youve tortured with small condoms! lol keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteI actually GOL'd reading this. (Guffawed out loud) Thanks for making my morning! :)
ReplyDeleteHaha, I am very pleased my embarrassment has suitably entertained you, that’s what I am here for! Thank you for reading and for your comment :)
ReplyDeleteIt seems like he just doesn't get on with condoms! Even with the trim ones I'm not sure how you'd produce a loud noise, all you have to do is roll them down?
ReplyDeleteJust roll it down eh? What part of the word "trim" do you not understand?? Unless you've got a baby dick sunshine then that thing won't just roll down. And the loud noise was produced by trying to stretch it! Its the equivalent of trying on some children's trousers-funny my man size trousers just slide right on! If the shoe don't fit mate don't put your foot inside it!
ReplyDelete