Thursday, 27 January 2011

Dating memoirs of Betty B

My new year’s resolution to get back out there and up my dating game has fallen at the first hurdle- I have not partaken in a singular date or even mild flirtation all month- disappointing but I blame the January blues/slump- London and I are not ourselves right now.

During this slight glitch in my plans I have been looking back to when I did enjoy one nighters, dates, flings and (gasp) relationships and reflecting on how I achieved this.
And so I introduce you to- Pulling tips by Betty B: (take notes ladies*)

  • Do pull up a bar stool nosily from one side of the pub to the other, put it next to you and rub the seat in a circular motion while staring at the victim, he will sit there and chat-eventually.
  • Do introduce dance moves to your strategy, recommendations include the ‘doll’ dance- this involves placing your index finger onto the victims head and encouragingly voicing the word spin over and over until they respond, no matter how reluctant they enjoy it.
  • If you have a plaster cast on your arm do use it to your full advantage- guys will be impressed if you consistently whack them on the head with it.
  • Do ‘pretend’ to think they are of a homosexual nature and invite them to join you on a hunt for some men
  • Do respond to a half naked picture message sent to you by your conquest with a picture of you leaping about in a banana suit.
  • Do, after inviting your victim over, collapse in your front garden with your handbag spilt out everywhere after drinking blue aftershock for the first time- what man doesn’t want to rescue a damsel in distress? (please note this was a very early conquest- may no longer be applicable)
  • Do impress them at the after party of a boozy wedding with the concept of ‘kettle beer’ when there is no alcohol available at back at the accommodation. To carry this out simply remove the standard kettle from the hotel room and lean over the closed hotel bar to fill the kettle to the brim- winner.
  • Do ask them if they can touch their toes and then proceed to prove that you can.
* Disclaimer- although the above tips did in fact work I do not hold any responsibility for potential failures but will take credit for success stories

Monday, 17 January 2011

From Hawaii to South London

I just wanted to quickly share a very amusing story that occurred this weekend as I think you may enjoy and it is too funny to not make a blog entry.

Saturday night I went to a good friend’s fancy dress party, the night was a Hawaiian theme and we enjoyed boozing from coconuts, splashing about in paddling pools and jiving to tin drum sound affects- brilliant.

I was obviously being my usual inept self and concentrating more on acting like a drunken buffoon than trying out the whole pulling concept (something that I need to change if I am ever going to get a sex texting victim). I did however actively encourage my friend (dressed as Hawaiian Barbie) to get with one of the camouflage boys that were dancing around the palm trees.

Victory occurred and they headed off into the night to go back to her house in South West London- always like to help out a friend.

Disaster struck for the newly found lovers though on return to the house when Barbie realised she had left her bag at the party- in north west London- error.

Now most people would have reluctantly either headed back to the party or checked into a nearby hotel but this girl is definitely not ‘most people.’ Instead she convinced army boy to jump over the fence and check out the garden with her as her dog was in the house and he would get lonely(?!)

And so ladies and gents after much debate Barbie and Action man had their romantic time on a Christmas tree box in a garden shed under a picnic blanket surrounded by a full range of gardening equipment- epic.

Now this in itself is amusing enough but early in the morning action man made his excuses and made a get away back to North London (can we really blame him?). Barbie decided that enough was enough, she couldn’t face shed life solo and with the aid of paint pot smashed the back window and crawled through into the house greeted by her lonely dog.

A few hours passed and Barbie had a realisation that she did not want to foot the bill of said window and so in a quick wave of genius she called the police thinking she would simply get a crime reference number to give to the landlord- job done.

The reality-two police officers with forensics to take finger prints etc rocking up to fully investigate the matter. Now it is worth mentioning that Action man was in fact a very wealthy city banker with a PHD, not really someone to go round breaking into houses, yet clearly his finger prints will be all over the gaff.

Barbie was truly terrified when the police pointed to two surveillance cameras on the wall behind the house that clearly face onto the garden and announced they would check the footage as they were almost certain to have picked up the crime scene. I really do want to be there when they sit and down and witness Hawaiian Barbie in a pink grass skirt bash down a window with a dulux pot. – only my friends.

Friday, 7 January 2011

Macho Macho Man?!

Recently my friends and colleagues have commented that my personality represents not that of the average 20 something girl but that of a bloke.- brilliant. I would take offence but when looking into it I reckon I am in the better place.

Here are 6 key signs that I have a blokey personality

  • I am scared of commitment of any kind- The thought of owning a hoover freaks me out let alone a house, I literally run when the word ‘relationship’ is used in reference to me and my chest goes tight when I think about weddings and babies. My commitments in life are my season ticket, my mobile contract and my feline creature- even this is sometimes too much to bear.
  • I never go to the doctors- Apparently this is a man trait, I personally think it just shows that I am nails. When I was 19 I broke my finger pretty badly (my engagement finger no less) and after the operations I got bored of going back and so I am now left with the most mangled looking bent finger known- never going to get a ring on that, think this might be why I refuse to go back and get it sorted- fate.
  • I do not have the ability to over analyse- I think this is more lack of attention span but according to the masses this is a blokey thing. I do find it pretty baffling when I am forced to partake in conversations about what the text message ACTUALLY means, why he REALLY brought flowers and what EXACTLY he is doing on his boy’s night out.- Why don’t we just concentrate on enjoying ourselves instead?!
  • I am a very bad texter- Again I put this down to my attention span but yes I will admit it, I tend to read messages and put my phone back in my bag, rather than responding with xx’s, smiley faces and Lols. People have started to learn to call; it is the only way to get the answers. I am however hoping that I can brush up my skills with the aid of my sex texting project.
  • I enjoy pints of beer especially following a big night out (best cure)- Friends are split on this one, some are on my side and happily join me with a good Peroni, some think it is the worst thing in the world and stare at me with disgust when I order such a beverage (only encourages me). Are there really such rules behind your drink of choice?!
  • I have no tact/social awareness- I ask inappropriate would you rather questions on first dates that involve sanitary protection and human excrement, I confess sex stories with colleagues of all levels in the pub and use saracasm as a chat up method.
To end please do not think I am some kind of outlandish butch tomboy that hates everything feminine, truth be told I do buy too many shoes, probably wear far too much make up, read fashion magazines and enjoy trashy TV especially on the E entertainment channel, I just embrace the blokey traits that come naturally to me, no shame.

Tuesday, 4 January 2011

Sex Texting??

This is a quick snippet to question- is sex texting the new ‘must do’ craze?

I have recently had a conversation in my office with a certain lady I will not name and shame (have learnt from my indiscreet ‘gravy gate’) about her recent saucy messaging habit with a guy she has dated once and is due to meet for a liaison. Being the obvious sweet and innocent girl (ahem) I have never undertaken such activities and thought this was an odd idea until, after a wider discussion, I found that many of my friends are partaking in this phenomenon and enjoying it.

Now I feel maybe this is where I have been going wrong- I need to spice things up with the aid of my blackberry (not physically). Obviously I first need some kind of target to try out my research so I am now on the spy for a suitable date/texter recipient to see if this theory will perk up my love life from the shambles that was 2010.

One friend, when I described this new project suggested I find a suitable man through the ‘can you kick it’ game.  When asked for specific game details turns out that you write ‘can you kick it’ into a text message and send out to made up numbers until you receive a ‘yes you can’ response. Apparently this could be a great opportunity to then introduce the dirty texting.

This however has many flaws:
1) It could be a woman- I know the love life has been less than successful over the past year but I’m not ready to turn to that quite yet
2) It may be a minor- enough said, I am not looking to get arrested for your entertainment
3) It could be an old/hairy/short man- I only want to turn on an attractive breed thank you very much

I think I will turn on the Betty B charm in person for this one, pull out all the stops- thumb wars, shoulder dance moves, the works.

I may however need some advice on how you get the err ball rolling on the texting side?!
Do I launch straight in all body parts and positions or do I go for the soft and subtle approach? Detailed/descriptive or mysterious/teasing? – This is all new territory for me, any tips welcomed!

Wish me luck