Monday, 27 December 2010

Advice required

For some reason many of my friends seem to turn to me for love advice. As a perma single with a great fear of commitment clearly makes perfect sense but apparently I can give a man perspective (is this a compliment?)
One of the funniest 'love problems' was recently voiced to me by my good friend Julie*, the pub conversation was as follows:

J- ''I need some man advice''
BB- ''Is this going to be another half an hour analysis over a text missing an x at the end?''
J- ''I know you are going to laugh but this is a serious problem to me and I need your honest opinion. It is sex related''
BB- ''Brilliant''
J- ''You know Tim**.....''
BB- ''I do indeed''
J- ''Basically everytime he finishes he...''
BB- ''Falls asleep? That's pretty standard I wouldn't worry.''
J- ''Not quite''
BB- ''Is raring to go again? Nothing wrong with that, make the most of it.''
J- ''He shouts out a.... catchphrase''
BB- (Slight stifled giggle) ''Really? Can I guess which one?''
J- ''I knew you would be like this, just forget it.''
BB- (feign serious face) ''No no sorry, continue. What does he shout? I saw this on a SATC episode once, is it some kind of barrage of swear words?''
J- ''No... it is more of a famous advert line''
BB- Silence
J- 'Ahhh Bisto.' Have you ever had that?''
BB- Silence
J- "Seriously now, I really like him and everything else is amazing but is this odd? He says it in a real strained voice'' (proceeds to do an impression)
BB- Cannot speak due to extreme laughter and tears

And so readers/bloggers I turn to you for advice, what should Julie do about ahh Bisto Tim? I have managed to stop laughing to whittle it down to a few options:

A) Learn to embrace the Bisto promotion, maybe even rival it with a few Oxo lines at the crucial moment
B) Ignore his calls and move on to a less vocal lover
C) Sit him down during a roast dinner and ask why the infatuation with gravy related items
D) Learn to block out the 'strained voice'
E) Other please suggest

* Name has been slightly altered at a slight attempt to protect identity.
** Has been named and shamed

If anyone else has suffered a similar problem please do let us know.

Thursday, 23 December 2010

New Year- New strategy

The New Year is hurtling towards us, (along with my scary 'heading to late 20's' birthday) and it has left me pondering over my year of a pretty dire love life. I actually haven't been bothered about it until this very point but the festive season does weird things to you.
While trying to think of the 2010 highlights of this part of my life I realised they are very few and far between, take a look for yourself:
  • Opened the year- literally was New Years day-with a guy named after a popular car brand who could walk on his hands.- He won me over when he climbed up and down stairs on his paws. Shelf life- a few drunken meetings and many annoying texts- right up until last week.
  • Woke up with a cocktail barman from a bar near my house. Shelf life-one evening
  • Woke up with a cocktail barman that was also above barmans friend from the bar near my house. Shelf life- a few random nights
  • Began seeing a guy who had previously dated a porn star- I think his most proud achievement in life.
    He also had the honour of carrying me home from an all day drinking session after knowing me for a few weeks and witnessed my amazingly weak stomach as I gagged over the smell of something nasty that my cat had produced. Shelf life- 2 months.
  • Received an array of weird messages, gifts (including a giant candle sent to my work that cost £47.70) and pictures from a guy I dated the year before. Shelf life- continuous.
  • Woke up above a pub in the town I live with the live-in barman, with a pigeon flying around the living room, minus phone and minus dignity- I haven't been to said pub since- Shelf life- one very forgettable evening.
  • Dated a guy that organised gigs for a living- winner- he slagged off my favourite musician- loser. Shelf life-3 dates but I do still have his watch.
  • An incident with a scouser I met on the last train home- I can't go into details, I really don't want to re-live this, not my finest hour. Shelf life- 6 hours
  • An online sober date with drunken Dane Costa please view The Sober Date for specific details. Shelf life- 1 memorable date.
I could continue and add the many more disasters from 2010 but I am now getting depressed.

To conclude- I have spent far too much time in the pub hence all the barmen and the undisclosed 'incidents.' I now wish I had utilised these stories and started a blog earlier, at least you could have all been entertained from my misery.

If anyone could recommend some new tactics I can try to make the 2011 love life summary a little less dire, please do let me know, I promise to ensure it still has some comical value for the blog!

Merry Christmas and happy New Year to all you fellow bloggers/readers see you in 2011!

Friday, 10 December 2010

Random question Friday- Take 5 (sort of)

Today I have been mulling over my coming of age, in exactly 20 days I will hit the late 20’s bracket- 26. This may not be scary to some of you but to me this means a whole new tick box- I am no longer grouped in with the sprightly 21 year olds, farewell to 16-25 rail cards-hello expensive travel and if I was to study again I would be classed as a ‘mature’ student. It is a rocky road heading towards 30.
I really need to think about taking up the work pension scheme.

I sometimes work at a pub at the weekend and recently working out the year that an 18 year old was born scared me-1992- I clearly remember this year, I had the Twinkle album, was well underway with learning my times tables, had over half the collection of shiny pogs and I could ride a bike- all while people I am serving beer to were newborns.

This led me on to thinking about the top 5 ‘rebel’ activities I undertook in my youth (I know I am being slightly dramatic but roll with it, I am having a late 20’s crisis):

  • For some random reason when I was at primary school I told my best friend my hair fell out and I had to have it sewn back in! - No idea where this came from in my little brain or why I said it but it was only a few years ago I confessed to said friend that it was all fabrication!
  • Almost decapitating my brother with an electric window after he had told my parents I had used a grade A swear word- please note I do not have violent/anger issues I just pressed a bit too hard, honest.
  • Secretly dying my dark hair with sun in (some kind of bleach spray that developed with heat). The result- an orange, straw like barnet and a very upset Mrs B- beautiful.
  • Making lethal concoctions from the contents of my parents drink cabinet to drink at friend’s houses, parties and parks- I genuinely believe this helped build up the tolerance I have today. It always went a deep red colour and felt like it was burning my insides; we named it the magic mix- the memories.
  • Getting extremely drunk out on the town at the age of 16 which ended up with me tending to my friend in the bathroom who clearly hadn’t built up tolerance with the magic mix- she was sick in my face. Think she was subconsciously getting me back for the hair loss lie.
From this I think I can conclude that my true risqué rebel days started at uni!

Anyway I am now off to a work party with free booze from 3pm-8pm, only have 20 days left to act like a youngun, and so might as well make the best of these opportunities. (Potential blog material in the making)

Friday, 3 December 2010

Random question Friday- Take 4

The random question of the day is- top 5 guilty pleasures (I am a bit hung-over after a Christmas party and lacking in true random thought- apologies)

  • Jeremy Kyle- I can’t help but watch it on my days off (and sometimes on catch up)- it makes me feel a bit better about my life- I don’t have a baby with 5 potential Dads or greasy hair with blonde stripes at the front or missing teeth- life is good. Also truth be told, I kind of fancy Jezza in an odd way.
  • Retro cheesy club tunes from my uni days- Five and Backstreet Boys mega mix, steps and of course the Baywatch theme- always brings out winning dance moves including the look out to sea action, slow running and ‘swimming’ with the use of stools- classic
  • Giant board games- any board game made on a large scale is a winner with me my favourite being connect four- I am the unofficial champion of 2010- Fact
  • The curly haired one from the X-factor band one direction- in my defence he is beautiful, over the age of consent and many of my friends agree on this one- backup
  • Complete trash TV- The Hills, The only way is Essex, The City, Keeping up with the Kardashians, Kendra, Holly's World….. E! is the best channel hands down, I actually think this would be my specialist subject if I appeared on mastermind.
Worst guilty pleasure I have heard of- My friend confessed to me recently that she ENJOYS cutting her fiancés toenails and gets in a mood when he does it himself- if that’s what love is I am pretty happy I am not involved with it!

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

How to lose a girl in 1 date

My male friend is going on a date with a girl he isn’t particularly keen on, he just struggles with the no word; I have been brainstorming winning first dates that are sure to put her off, any further creative ideas welcomed:
  • Apparently at Madame Tussauds you can pay extra and have dinner with the wax works- absolutely genius, as if paying good money to look at wax dolls isn’t odd enough. On another note I have always felt they should include a wick on the top of them and sell them off as novelty giant candles once they have reduced in interest, I would definitely invest for Christmas.
  • Take her to a hard core rock club wearing a matching leather studded jacket and trousers (bit like ferret man from the Friday take 2 blog).
  • Go to a football match (the chavier the team the better i.e. Millwall- I watched Football factory I know these things) and spend time shouting obscenities towards the pitch, bonding with fellow fans and eating stinking pasties.
  • Take her to GBK Burger kitchen and whip out a printed voucher code special, let her know she can have whatever she likes, if in conjunction with the offer- this one may be inspired by a past date.
  • The Hunterian Museum in London that includes such delights as pickled penises, large female parts in jars and an array of foetuses- lovely
  • Head to The Church- the famous weekly 18-30’s style drinking event in London. Takes place from 12pm-4pm on a Sunday and highlights include ropey looking strippers, drunken aussies, hilarious comments on the big screen (i.e. get your baps out), fancy dress and drinks served in tinnies with a handy carrier bag- class all the way.(this might actually be my ideal date but this girl is more of a ‘typical’ female)
Finally, I just wanted to add that this blog has been described as ‘very sex in the gutter’ by a close friend of mine, not sure why....