Monday, 29 November 2010

Ex villager

Struggling through the tube strike this morning (at one point I was stuck standing on one leg and got leg cramp- not enjoyable) I had a realisation that I have turned into a fully fledged Londoner.
Here are some of the crucial signs:

  • If someone stops walking on the escalator at the tube on the specific walking side I tut, tap my foot and crane my neck to take a look at who the culprit is- not sure what I think this will achieve but I do sometimes receive knowing looks from fellow Londoners and the odd head nod.
  • If the next tube is anything over 2 minutes away I am shocked and appalled- I pay over a grand for my season ticket how can they justify this slow service?!- please note I come from a village where there is a bus to town every hour, stopping at 7pm
  • I no longer think it is funny/odd that people fall asleep on the tube standing up and have actually been known to partake in this activity on the journey to work
  • I now know exactly where to position myself on the tube platform to be right there at the doors when it lands at my crucial stops- handy
  • I have an amazing dislike for big packs of tourists especially herds of school children all slowly going through the tube barriers with (hold rage) paper tickets
  • I have many conversations revolving around my journey into work and what a nightmare it was- how very interesting for the recipients of this chat
  • It has become the norm to have very little change from a fiver for a pint- when I journey to the North I rant on about how cheap the round is and regularly use the line- ‘you wouldn’t get that in London
  • I think an I pod is an actual complete necessity for London life- who can take on the creepy silence of the transport?
  • I have heard the tube driver on the district line quote his funny line of ‘wakey wakey rise and shine you have reached the end of the district line’ at least 3 times every week for 2 years- we must campaign for this to stop.
  • I have turned to online dating
  • I have witnessed a tramp blowing his nose without the aid of a tissue- more than once
  • I pretty much write an entire blog article around London travel –what has happened to me?!

Friday, 26 November 2010

Random question Friday- Take 3

Time for random question Friday folks.
After much pondering and debate I am going with Top 5 embarrassing celebrity crushes you have had over the course of life!

Please do note I was an odd child with a large fringe, bob and huge pink glasses- one lens clear glass, one extra magnified- bog eye. I blame some of my choices on this.

Here we go:

  • Pat Sharpe- It was my dream to appear on that show. I also shed tears when he chopped off the signature mullet.
  • Cliff Richard- wrong in some many ways. I was also shamefully a big fan of his music and owned a Cliff Richard jumper which I wore to see him in concert-so cringey it hurts a bit.
  • Lovejoy- this isn’t too embarrassing, who can resist an antique dealer in a bomber jacket that also solves crime?
  • Dave Quinnan- A PC on The Bill- took a fair bit of time on Google to track this guy down.
  • Alf Stewart- My subconscious seems to be a fan if my dream is anything to go by- maybe my taste hasn’t got better with age.

Thursday, 25 November 2010

The Sober date

So for a change I rocked up pretty late for the date with the Barry fan (half an hour but I am ill you know, had to get cold busting supplies to see me through the night).
Arrogantly I had images of him sitting in the pub nursing a pint and staring at his phone, to my surprise he was actually in another pub with a mate. Now it was ME waiting and getting the first round in-not the way it should work surely!?

The man of many faces finally turns up and gives me an awkward hug. Seems ok, has a friendly face and hasn’t lied about his height, does look a bit like he would wear a jumper over his shoulders though.
Apologise to him for my gravelly tones, he lets me know it is turning him on- overshare

Throat takes a turn for the worse, fearing I am about to start wheezing old man style I tell him I am off for a throat spray. For some reason I feel the need to prove this to him by removing the spray from my bag, moving the nozel up and down while grinning at him- why do people call me socially inept?

Slight awakward silence occurs on my return, decide to break it with my favourite would you rather question.
’Would you rather eat a piece of poo or suck on a used tampon’’ (I like to shock). 
Aside from a bit of a drink splurt he handles it pretty well with predictable boy answer tampon- new found respect for sensible home owner. 

After forcing my red wine down my sandpaper throat (mentally note next drink break first date rule and go in for the pint, I need liquidation.)  convince him to go to a cooler bar down the road. It has an amazing aray of lampshades on the ceiling plus has a pretty goodlooking crowd for me to gander at.

Start talking about look-a-likes, he seems pretty cagey about confessing his- boring.
Notice he is downing his pints at a rapid rate, I must be intimidating- excellent.  
I struggle with one cider and tap water chaser, this has never happened, think the throat infection must be pretty fatal.

He goes off for his third bar visit and pats my bum on return, enjoy embarrssing him by pointing it out, loudly.

He finally confesses his friends tell him he looks like Anthony Costa (the tubby unattractive one from Blue) and Dane Bowers (equally tubby, unattractive guy from some other generic band.)
Can see why he didn’t want to share, his face has now morphed into both of them, cant get it out of my mind. (is that a direct Bowers quote?!)

I do most of the talking, he keeps telling me how funny I am- pointing out the obvious.

After exhausting all my chat and my limited voice we head off to get the train-drunken date announces to me he is off to buy a pasty, seems pretty impressed with this brilliant plan.

Finally make it to the train with stinking pasty in hand. He notices another ‘pasty buddy’ which he finds hilarious. Keeps pointing it out to me, raising his pasty in the air as a cheers to said pasty trougher- comedy genius.

Starts bleating on about how this could lead to a long term relationship as I am so funny- calm down number 1 fan. (would be flattered but this guy also found someone eating the same snack as him ridiculously funny)

Finally get to leave the train, silently very happy for the throat disease, no fear of kissing attempts.
Leave him grinning a little scarily at his half munched pasty.

Walking home I get a message- ‘We havbe to met for drink soon if your free, your a good laugh’’
Choose not to reply, bad grammer and spelling although he does make a good point.

I have been left questioning- had I been boozing would I be skipping home with him pasty in hand agreeing how funny i am?! For the first time ever I am happy to be sober.
Not sure online dating is for me.....

Monday, 22 November 2010

This evening I have my very first date from the online dating world (I know but apparently it is much more acceptable in London, we are all swamped don’t you know)

My weapon of choice is mysinglefriend, mainly due to general laziness as I get someone else to promote me, also bit of an ego boost to have a mate describe me amongst other things as, I quote the funniest person I know’

Anyway I am very dubious about the whole thing as I am into loud crazy indie types, I am pretty sure these type of people do not turn to the web, however I am giving Rob a chance as he made me chuckle (slightly) in his opening message.
Here is what I know so far about said guy pre date, some good, some bad:

  • He abbreviates mysinglefriend to ‘msf’- geek
  • He lives in the middle arse of zone 6 and owns his own flat- both of these facts make my chest go tight, he is clearly pretty sensible and (gulp) COMMITTED- terrifying
  • He works in the city in finance- does however assure me he is not a banker
  • He shares a mutual love of Barry’s- so much so he named his uni hamster Barry after Barry Evans- bit odd but always good to have a mutual interest I guess, even though I would take Barry Chuckle over Evans any day.
  • He uses the word banter in emails far too much, sometimes even inserting the word ‘cheeky’ before it- oh dear
  • He seems pretty receptive of the would you rather type of questions- might get to use my fav one on the date
  • His photos all appear to be of a different person and it is pretty hard to make out his face too well, on the plus he does look pretty tall.
I also have the remainders of a throat infection leaving me sounding like Madge Bishop from Neighbours, not ideal but maybe it gives me a sexy edge?

Wish me luck ladies and gents….

Friday, 19 November 2010

Random question Friday- take 2

It is Friday already and I am still yet to write a proper blog story, apologies but get excited-it is the epic part of the week you all look forward to- random question Friday!

Today I pose the question- what are the top 5 odd things you have seen/heard about on the tube/general public transport? I hope this isn’t too biased on Londoners here.
Anyways here are mine- in no particular order (x factor style):

  • A woman eating a raw broccoli like it is an apple- spotted on the central line at Oxford Circus
  • A woman on a London bus eating pickles from a jar and then drinking the juice- I actually heaved and still do when rethinking of this moment
  • A man on the Bakerloo line appearing to read the metro line by line with his nose with his eyes very shut- a skill I personally wish I had
  • A woman by herself on the Victoria line in morning rush hour, dressed as a penguin.
  • A man walking a Ferret along the platform at Euston- dressed in matching leathers complete with studding- I don’t understand ferrets
London- I love you

Friday, 12 November 2010

Random question Friday

I am a fan of random questions (aren’t we all) and it is a slow Friday afternoon countdown until pub o’clock- this is the inspiration behind my latest blog which may in fact become a Friday series- Random question Friday- catchy.

Today the question put to me was who would be in your boat of life? This is an adaptation of my more sinister version who would be in your car of death! The details are 6 seats, 6 celebrities (you have a solo seat up front)- go.

Here are mine with reasoning behind the options:

  • Ben Lovett from Mumford and Sons (he is a beaut, plays the guitar and sings- entertaining in many ways on ze boat)
  • Peter Kay- standard (bit worried the boat might tip over though, may need to think about where to seat him strategically)
  • Amy Winehouse- she is after all my new BFF plus she is likely to have a bottle of vodka stashed  in her hair
  • Rolf Harris- he could draw comical pictures for us and provide backing noise for Benny
  • Delia Smith- she can whip us up some snacks
  • Barry Chuckle- everyone needs a Barry

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Hello, good evening and welcome

My first post- exciting moment for me.
To begin here are some facts about me so you understand me and my odd character slightly better:

I have no idea how to flirt- my current ‘skills’ include thumb wars, arm wrestling, high fives and demonstrating how I can put my fist in my mouth- vertically

I like to ask random questions a lot, many beginning with ‘would you rather…’

I recently had an erotic dream about Alf from Home and Away, I have ever since been questioning my current state of mind, I also share this information far too freely with others.

I have a major fear of all birds and cannot hide it at any point- ever

While intoxicated on cheap booze I ran up some stairs and broke my finger, I hear it resembled a Z and i enjoyed flapping it around. I remember nothing except waking up the next day on a drip in a hospital bed. 2 operations, 2 plaster casts and 5 and a half years later i have one majorly mangled wedding finger, I take this as fate.

I once suffered from elephantitis, a very comical disease involving major head/face swellage- in the middle of a clubbing holiday - sexy

I recently went sniff speed dating- I will blog about this experience very soon

I am unsure as to if I have ever had an uneventful date and may use this blogging experience as a cry for advice/help as to how to be a normal girlie girl- enjoy the ride

More to come once my laptop has been resuscitated by the experts- get ready it is likely to be a cringe filled ride