Wednesday, 1 August 2012

Better to be safe than sorry?

In recent days i had been feeling a little blue, it happens to us all, start thinking about career, love life, generally moving forward and realising it isn’t really happening. This along with the horrific English weather is what prompted me to make the decision to re-enter the world of online dating. (yes yes I know I have sworn off it several times, but I was suffering from a bad case of SAD).

I turned again to mysinglefriend, mainly because I thought my friend bigged me up on my profile much better than what I could muster and I was also under the impression it was one of the more classy sites, rather than being famous for being a free way of finding easy sex.

I had been chatting to a few select people that had ok pictures and had similar interests to me, mainly going to festivals and enjoying the life London brings with it. All seemed fairly standard and although I wasn’t really too inspired to meet up with these people I thought I should give it a go now I had braved it this far.
I arranged to go on a date with a smiley looking giant (6’’4) South London based northerner mid week. This week ended up turning into a bit of a crazy one at work with many a free drink occasion presenting itself so I ended up cancelling twice (I think at this point I should have realised it wasn’t floating my boat and left it at that- ahh hindsight).  

Friday came round which was the biggest event to end my crazy week, my summer party. This consisted of fancy dress, karaoke and free booze from 3pm, a bit of a dream for a party fan like myself.
The theme for the day was The Olympics (naturally) and we were given a country to dress up as. I was a creative genius/verging on racist dressing up as Jedwood for Ireland complete with a creepy face mask and accessorised with a full range of handmade potato jewellery.

After over 7 hours of supping free booze I received a text message from the giant that I had completely forgotten about, wishing me a good night and letting me know he was at home bored. Drunken inspiration hit me, I needed to head back to South London anyway, why not meet him for a drink on route as I had been such a blow out to him all week? Surprisingly he instantly agreed to my hazy idea and we arranged to meet Southside.
I bid my drunken workmates farewell and ventured off into the night to find the giant (completely forgetting I had a Jedwood mask on the back of my head and was decorated with raw vegetables).

After a very blurry tube ride I stumbled out and found the giant northerner, off we went for drinks and conversation (or him trying to translate my slurs into sentences).
Very little can actually be recollected from the two hours I proceeded to spend with the online man but I do remember thinking he really was insanely tall and had odd hair (both facts I can imagine I voiced several times).

At closing time we headed out into the night and I announced I would be getting a bus home. He offered to get us a taxi which I presumed was him being a gentlemen dropping me off home and then heading to his gaff afterwards (ahh the naïve drunken brain).
In the taxi giant gave a fumbled attempted to kiss me which was far from enjoyable and in the end resulted in me giving him a friendly push to end the ordeal. Somehow he ended up coming into my house for another drink; I headed off to the toilet to allow myself to think of a plan to get him out while he sat in my room…  

I returned to the room with a speech all ready to launch into about how tired I was and how my big manly housemate would be home soon etc.
I looked up to find Giant sprawled out on my bed, completely naked, with condom on (yes that’s right ON) all ready for action.

Questions arise-

- How long was I gone for him to strip off all his clothes (and leave in a fairly neat pile at the foot of the bed), get excited, locate, open and put on a condom?!

- Had he been practising various poses of how to lie to best present himself in that time frame?

- Does he have a secret fetish for Jedwood?

- What reaction did he expect? A simple hop on?! We don’t need to go into detail but even if I was planning to sleep with him (and I understand why he might have thought this was a possibility, I am not completely blameless here) it takes a little more than setting up the sails for it to be a true success story!

- Had this approach worked in the past?

The reaction that did take place - I burst into hysterical laughter and exclaimed ‘’WHAT ARE YOU DOING?’’
He was dressed in a flash, hopping around with his socks and out of the door; the only noise to be heard from him was the quick snap of the condom.

The next day I received this text message ‘’Hey Betty it was great to meet you, you seem like a really awesome girl and are really hot but something just wasn’t right. Take Care. Giant. x’’

I have so far continued to be too shocked to think of a suitable response...

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

A Thailand Adventure

A few months ago, bored of the usual London scene I decided to go global and headed off to the sunny shores of Thailand.

I travelled round backpacker style clutching my lonely planet guide for dear life.
After a few days I was very much enjoying the carefree existence, making new friends, crisping up my pasty skin in the scorching sun and consuming potent alcohol served in buckets.

One famous attraction of Thailand is the epic full moon party which involves many drunken tourists bonding together all night on a beach covered in Day-Glo paint. It is at this party that many drunken incidents take place mainly being injury based.

One Norwegian guy I met in Bangkok told me probably the most shocking drunken episode that happened to a young man that he met the day following the carnage.
Norwegian had been forced to head hospital after thinking it was a good idea to vacate a tuc tuc whilst in transit resulting in some intense cuts to his limbs.
In the waiting room he noticed a young lad sobbing loudly into his hands. Norwegian sat for a while wondering if he should speak to him or not. After a bit of a self debate he went across, placed his hand on sobbing mans back and gently asked if he was ok. The inconsolable man looked up and replied in a distraught tone ‘'NO I AM NOT ALRIGHT!’’
Norwegian blinked at him speechless - taking in the perfectly tattooed batman logo around the crying mans eyes.

Turns out the poor lad had decided to sample a fair few of the ‘special’ mushrooms that are available from some of the more colourful bars on the island. The vegetable consumption had inspired him to insist strongly that a tattoo artist permanently brand him as batman so that everyone was aware of his status.

Moral of the story- Don’t do drugs kids.
Silver lining- Crying man will never be stumped for what to go as on Halloween

Thursday, 22 March 2012

Say it don't spray it

A friend of mine recently made the school girl error of re-entering the world of online dating. Choosing a rather famously free (and mainly targeted at those guys looking to get a bit of action) site she got chatting to a young gent name James.
Via email he seemed funny, played various sports and aesthetically speaking passed the test with the few photos available for review.

To her disappointment he was nothing like his online persona, both physically and personality wise, he also appeared to have a bit of a problem keeping his saliva in his mouth, spitting at regular intervals during conversation.
After consuming two drinks out of politeness, my friend called me and decided to make her excuses and join us at a pub a few tube stops down rather than sitting it out with Jimmy Spit A-Lot.

After a fair few bevies in, my friend text some feedback to another friend regarding the date stating ‘’Left after two Corona's, date was odd, had a dodgy eye, kept touching my leg and spitting at me every other word- pretty horrific.’’

We can all guess who the mistaken recipient of this text was.

She is yet to hear back from James.

Always check and double check who you are sending a message too ladies and gents, technology is a danger to us all.