Tanorexic Betty

Recently I gave the whole fake tan idea a whirl, I was off to a wedding and felt the need to up my effort and do a bit of self maintenance. Not being a regular user the obvious happened and I got a bit tan happy, end result left me looking a bit like an extra for The Only way is Essex, brilliant.

When discussing the tanning delights with an old university friend she was quick to remind me of my old tanning habits with photographic evidence to back up her point.

Ladies and gentlemen I am now sharing with you this imagery as a way of educating anyone that turns to the bottle- live and learn. Do enjoy my pain:

Lessons learnt-  two applications ARE enough and always remember to do the entire body including the face.

X-rated Betty (almost)

*Reader warning- this post contains some references of an embarrassing sexual nature*

Back when I was a young fresh faced student I had many an awkward moment with the male species. I was newly single when I packed up my wears, headed northwards to uni and was not entirely sure how to act with this new role in the big world of undergraduate freedom.

One extreme case was when a male friend of mine from the village days decided to try his hand at student life for a weekend and came to visit me in my student digs.

After a night of drinking £1 voddy red bulls and cheeky vimtos, villager and I decided it was a good idea to go over the friend barrier and stumbled back to my breeze block bedroom.

Being the safe responsible young girlie I am I had a collection of protection devices in my top drawer and handed one over.

Village boy fumbled around for a while with said protection device and appeared to be struggling somewhat. Without warning he headed to my en-suite (posh student) and all that could be heard was a pretty eye watering snapping noise.

5 minutes passed and he returned to my single bed and lay next to me without a word. We both stared at the ceiling in silence, until in a very confused tone he announced ‘I don’t know if I have suddenly had a growth spurt but that wasn’t going on for anything.’

Suddenly remembering the range of free ‘protection devices’ I had picked up at the fresher fair I gasped and turned on the light- my suspicions were realised, I had handed over the item branded ‘trim’ on the front- I had wondered what all that was about, all made sense now. (Guess I should have been somewhat pleased it wasn’t of a sufficient fit).

Village boy was in a fair amount of pain the following day as he had in fact managed to shoe horn the item on for a few seconds (got to give the guy credit for his determination).

The next night however the usual student drunken blur resumed and we found ourselves back in my single bed in the same situation. This time I was certain there were no more trim antics and I confidently handed over the contraception. The awkward fumbling passion continued until he let out a shriek, jumped off the bed and shouted loudly ‘it’s burning.’

Panicked I turned the light on- the packet read ‘menthol.’

Some lessons learnt from this experience:

• Always check the small print
• Always leave the light on
• It wasn’t meant to be with village boy

Betty no dates

2011 so far has been very low down on the Betty dating stakes- I have basically not had a single glimmer of a date, it is now March, this is depressing.

My friends have been suggesting I re-visit the online dating world after I dismissed it so suddenly following my pasty date.

I did start to contemplate this option as partying and acting drunk/stupid busy London life seems to be getting in the way of meeting any potentials in the real world, apart from of course the lovely ‘Pants man’ and his award winning chat up line.

After much debate with myself I reluctantly logged into my account and read my first new message as below:

‘Even if it might feel a bit hard to talk to an unfamiliar guy.. who actually is kind inside, please surprise me Betty.. and drop me a line about how you are .. believe me it is at least as hard for me to start a conversation with someone who is only a bit more than a picture from the internet at the moment.. :) But I would like to know you a bit better.
Myself, I am looking for a human being in a female body! to have a chat and fun with. I think the reason behind this website is to have a nice time without force so let’s start with some light fun chat if you feel like, I would really appreciate it.
Where about in London do you live?’

I logged out.

Confirmed- Internet dating is not my bag.

I think I am going to give speed dating a bash.

Any other suggestions welcomed at this point.