Advice required

For some reason many of my friends seem to turn to me for love advice. As a perma single with a great fear of commitment clearly makes perfect sense but apparently I can give a man perspective (is this a compliment?)
One of the funniest 'love problems' was recently voiced to me by my good friend Julie*, the pub conversation was as follows:

J- ''I need some man advice''
BB- ''Is this going to be another half an hour analysis over a text missing an x at the end?''
J- ''I know you are going to laugh but this is a serious problem to me and I need your honest opinion. It is sex related''
BB- ''Brilliant''
J- ''You know Tim**.....''
BB- ''I do indeed''
J- ''Basically everytime he finishes he...''
BB- ''Falls asleep? That's pretty standard I wouldn't worry.''
J- ''Not quite''
BB- ''Is raring to go again? Nothing wrong with that, make the most of it.''
J- ''He shouts out a.... catchphrase''
BB- (Slight stifled giggle) ''Really? Can I guess which one?''
J- ''I knew you would be like this, just forget it.''
BB- (feign serious face) ''No no sorry, continue. What does he shout? I saw this on a SATC episode once, is it some kind of barrage of swear words?''
J- ''No... it is more of a famous advert line''
BB- Silence
J- 'Ahhh Bisto.' Have you ever had that?''
BB- Silence
J- "Seriously now, I really like him and everything else is amazing but is this odd? He says it in a real strained voice'' (proceeds to do an impression)
BB- Cannot speak due to extreme laughter and tears

And so readers/bloggers I turn to you for advice, what should Julie do about ahh Bisto Tim? I have managed to stop laughing to whittle it down to a few options:

A) Learn to embrace the Bisto promotion, maybe even rival it with a few Oxo lines at the crucial moment
B) Ignore his calls and move on to a less vocal lover
C) Sit him down during a roast dinner and ask why the infatuation with gravy related items
D) Learn to block out the 'strained voice'
E) Other please suggest

* Name has been slightly altered at a slight attempt to protect identity.
** Has been named and shamed

If anyone else has suffered a similar problem please do let us know.

New Year- New strategy

The New Year is hurtling towards us, (along with my scary 'heading to late 20's' birthday) and it has left me pondering over my year of a pretty dire love life. I actually haven't been bothered about it until this very point but the festive season does weird things to you.

While trying to think of the 2010 highlights of this part of my life I realised they are very few and far between, take a look for yourself:

• Opened the year- literally was New Years day-with a guy named after a popular car brand who could walk on his hands.- He won me over when he climbed up and down stairs on his paws. Shelf life- a few drunken meetings and many annoying texts- right up until last week.
• Woke up with a cocktail barman from a bar near my house. Shelf life-one evening
• Woke up with a cocktail barman that was also above barmans friend from the bar near my house. Shelf life- a few random nights
• Began seeing a guy who had previously dated a porn star- I think his most proud achievement in life.
  He also had the honour of carrying me home from an all day drinking session after knowing me for a few weeks and witnessed my amazingly weak stomach as I gagged over the smell of something nasty that my cat had produced. Shelf life- 2 months.
• Received an array of weird messages, gifts (including a giant candle sent to my work that cost £47.70) and pictures from a guy I dated the year before. Shelf life- continuous.
• Woke up above a pub in the town I live with the live-in barman, with a pigeon flying around the living room, minus phone and minus dignity- I haven't been to said pub since- Shelf life- one very forgettable evening.
• Dated a guy that organised gigs for a living- winner- he slagged off my favourite musician- loser. Shelf life-3 dates but I do still have his watch.
• An incident with a scouser I met on the last train home- I can't go into details, I really don't want to re-live this, not my finest hour. Shelf life- 6 hours
• An online sober date with drunken Dane Costa please view The Sober Date for specific details. Shelf life- 1 memorable date.

I could continue and add the many more disasters from 2010 but I am now getting depressed.

To conclude- I have spent far too much time in the pub hence all the barmen and the undisclosed 'incidents.' I now wish I had utilised these stories and started a blog earlier, at least you could have all been entertained from my misery.

If anyone could recommend some new tactics I can try to make the 2011 love life summary a little less dire, please do let me know, I promise to ensure it still has some comical value for the blog!

Merry Christmas and happy New Year to all you fellow bloggers/readers see you in 2011!

Random question Friday- Take 5 (sort of)

Today I have been mulling over my coming of age, in exactly 20 days I will hit the late 20’s bracket- 26. This may not be scary to some of you but to me this means a whole new tick box- I am no longer grouped in with the sprightly 21 year olds, farewell to 16-25 rail cards-hello expensive travel and if I was to study again I would be classed as a ‘mature’ student. It is a rocky road heading towards 30.
I really need to think about taking up the work pension scheme.

I sometimes work at a pub at the weekend and recently working out the year that an 18 year old was born scared me-1992- I clearly remember this year, I had the Twinkle album, was well underway with learning my times tables, had over half the collection of shiny pogs and I could ride a bike- all while people I am serving beer to were newborns.

This led me on to thinking about the top 5 ‘rebel’ activities I undertook in my youth (I know I am being slightly dramatic but roll with it, I am having a late 20’s crisis):

• For some random reason when I was at primary school I told my best friend my hair fell out and I had to have it sewn back in! - No idea where this came from in my little brain or why I said it but it was only a few years ago I confessed to said friend that it was all fabrication!
• Almost decapitating my brother with an electric window after he had told my parents I had used a grade A swear word- please note I do not have violent/anger issues I just pressed a bit too hard, honest.
• Secretly dying my dark hair with sun in (some kind of bleach spray that developed with heat). The result- an orange, straw like barnet and a very upset Mrs B- beautiful.
• Making lethal concoctions from the contents of my parents drink cabinet to drink at friend’s houses, parties and parks- I genuinely believe this helped build up the tolerance I have today. It always went a deep red colour and felt like it was burning my insides; we named it the magic mix- the memories.
• Getting extremely drunk out on the town at the age of 16 which ended up with me tending to my friend in the bathroom who clearly hadn’t built up tolerance with the magic mix- she was sick in my face. Think she was subconsciously getting me back for the hair loss lie.

From this I think I can conclude that my true risqué rebel days started at uni!

Anyway I am now off to a work party with free booze from 3pm-8pm, only have 20 days left to act like a youngun, and so might as well make the best of these opportunities. (Potential blog material in the making)

Random question Friday- Take 4

The random question of the day is- top 5 guilty pleasures (I am a bit hung-over after a Christmas party and lacking in true random thought- apologies)

• Jeremy Kyle- I can’t help but watch it on my days off (and sometimes on catch up)- it makes me feel a bit better about my life- I don’t have a baby with 5 potential Dads or greasy hair with blonde stripes at the front or missing teeth- life is good. Also truth be told, I kind of fancy Jezza in an odd way.
• Retro cheesy club tunes from my uni days- Five and Backstreet Boys mega mix, steps and of course the Baywatch theme- always brings out winning dance moves including the look out to sea action, slow running and ‘swimming’ with the use of stools- classic
• Giant board games- any board game made on a large scale is a winner with me my favourite being connect four- I am the unofficial champion of 2010- Fact
• The curly haired one from the X-factor band one direction- in my defence he is beautiful, over the age of consent and many of my friends agree on this one- backup
• Complete trash TV- The Hills, The only way is Essex, The City, Keeping up with the Kardashians, Kendra, Holly's World….. E! is the best channel hands down, I actually think this would be my specialist subject if I appeared on mastermind.

Worst guilty pleasure I have heard of- My friend confessed to me recently that she ENJOYS cutting her fiancés toenails and gets in a mood when he does it himself- if that’s what love is I am pretty happy I am not involved with it!

How to lose a girl in 1 date

My male friend is going on a date with a girl he isn’t particularly keen on, he just struggles with the no word; I have been brainstorming winning first dates that are sure to put her off, any further creative ideas welcomed:

• Apparently at Madame Tussauds you can pay extra and have dinner with the wax works- absolutely genius, as if paying good money to look at wax dolls isn’t odd enough. On another note I have always felt they should include a wick on the top of them and sell them off as novelty giant candles once they have reduced in interest, I would definitely invest for Christmas.
• Take her to a hard core rock club wearing a matching leather studded jacket and trousers (bit like ferret man from the Friday take 2 blog).
• Go to a football match (the chavier the team the better i.e. Millwall- I watched Football factory I know these things) and spend time shouting obscenities towards the pitch, bonding with fellow fans and eating stinking pasties.
• Take her to GBK Burger kitchen and whip out a printed voucher code special, let her know she can have whatever she likes, if in conjunction with the offer- this one may be inspired by a past date.
• The Hunterian Museum in London that includes such delights as pickled penises, large female parts in jars and an array of foetuses- lovely
• Head to The Church- the famous weekly 18-30’s style drinking event in London. Takes place from 12pm-4pm on a Sunday and highlights include ropey looking strippers, drunken aussies, hilarious comments on the big screen (i.e. get your baps out), fancy dress and drinks served in tinnies with a handy carrier bag- class all the way.(this might actually be my ideal date but this girl is more of a ‘typical’ female)

Finally, I just wanted to add that this blog has been described as ‘very sex in the gutter’ by a close friend of mine, not sure why....

Ex villager

Struggling through the tube strike this morning (at one point I was stuck standing on one leg and got leg cramp- not enjoyable) I had a realisation that I have turned into a fully fledged Londoner.

Here are some of the crucial signs:

• If someone stops walking on the escalator at the tube on the specific walking side I tut, tap my foot and crane my neck to take a look at who the culprit is- not sure what I think this will achieve but I do sometimes receive knowing looks from fellow Londoners and the odd head nod.
• If the next tube is anything over 2 minutes away I am shocked and appalled- I pay over a grand for my season ticket how can they justify this slow service?!- please note I come from a village where there is a bus to town every hour, stopping at 7pm
• I no longer think it is funny/odd that people fall asleep on the tube standing up and have actually been known to partake in this activity on the journey to work
• I now know exactly where to position myself on the tube platform to be right there at the doors when it lands at my crucial stops- handy
• I have an amazing dislike for big packs of tourists especially herds of school children all slowly going through the tube barriers with (hold rage) paper tickets
• I have many conversations revolving around my journey into work and what a nightmare it was- how very interesting for the recipients of this chat
• It has become the norm to have very little change from a fiver for a pint- when I journey to the North I rant on about how cheap the round is and regularly use the line- ‘you wouldn’t get that in London’
• I think an I pod is an actual complete necessity for London life- who can take on the creepy silence of the transport?
• I have heard the tube driver on the district line quote his funny line of ‘wakey wakey rise and shine you have reached the end of the district line’ at least 3 times every week for 2 years- we must campaign for this to stop.
• I have turned to online dating
• I have witnessed a tramp blowing his nose without the aid of a tissue- more than once
• I pretty much write an entire blog article around London travel –what has happened to me?!

Random question Friday- Take 3

Time for random question Friday folks.

After much pondering and debate I am going with Top 5 embarrassing celebrity crushes you have had over the course of life!

Please do note I was an odd child with a large fringe, bob and huge pink glasses- one lens clear glass, one extra magnified- bog eye. I blame some of my choices on this.

Here we go:

• Pat Sharpe- It was my dream to appear on that show. I also shed tears when he chopped off the signature mullet.
• Cliff Richard- wrong in some many ways. I was also shamefully a big fan of his music and owned a Cliff Richard jumper which I wore to see him in concert-so cringey it hurts a bit.
• Lovejoy- this isn’t too embarrassing, who can resist an antique dealer in a bomber jacket that also solves crime?
• Dave Quinnan- A PC on The Bill- took a fair bit of time on Google to track this guy down.
• Alf Stewart- My subconscious seems to be a fan if my dream is anything to go by- maybe my taste hasn’t got better with age.

The Sober date

So for a change I rocked up pretty late for the date with the Barry fan (half an hour but I am ill you know, had to get cold busting supplies to see me through the night).

Arrogantly I had images of him sitting in the pub nursing a pint and staring at his phone, to my surprise he was actually in another pub with a mate. Now it was ME waiting and getting the first round in-not the way it should work surely!?

The man of many faces finally turns up and gives me an awkward hug. Seems ok, has a friendly face and hasn’t lied about his height, does look a bit like he would wear a jumper over his shoulders though.

Apologise to him for my gravelly tones, he lets me know it is turning him on- overshare

Throat takes a turn for the worse, fearing I am about to start wheezing old man style I tell him I am off for a throat spray. For some reason I feel the need to prove this to him by removing the spray from my bag, moving the nozel up and down while grinning at him- why do people call me socially inept?

Slight awakward silence occurs on my return, decide to break it with my favourite would you rather question.

‘’Would you rather eat a piece of poo or suck on a used tampon’’ (I like to shock). 

Aside from a bit of a drink splurt he handles it pretty well with predictable boy answer tampon- new found respect for sensible home owner. 

After forcing my red wine down my sandpaper throat (mentally note next drink break first date rule and go in for the pint, I need liquidation.)  convince him to go to a cooler bar down the road. It has an amazing aray of lampshades on the ceiling plus has a pretty goodlooking crowd for me to gander at.

Start talking about look-a-likes, he seems pretty cagey about confessing his- boring.

Notice he is downing his pints at a rapid rate, I must be intimidating- excellent.  

I struggle with one cider and tap water chaser, this has never happened, think the throat infection must be pretty fatal.

He goes off for his third bar visit and pats my bum on return, enjoy embarrssing him by pointing it out, loudly.

He finally confesses his friends tell him he looks like Anthony Costa (the tubby unattractive one from Blue) and Dane Bowers (equally tubby, unattractive guy from some other generic band.)

Can see why he didn’t want to share, his face has now morphed into both of them, cant get it out of my mind. (is that a direct Bowers quote?!)

I do most of the talking, he keeps telling me how funny I am- pointing out the obvious.

After exhausting all my chat and my limited voice we head off to get the train-drunken date announces to me he is off to buy a pasty, seems pretty impressed with this brilliant plan.

Finally make it to the train with stinking pasty in hand. He notices another ‘pasty buddy’ which he finds hilarious. Keeps pointing it out to me, raising his pasty in the air as a cheers to said pasty trougher- comedy genius.

Starts bleating on about how this could lead to a long term relationship as I am so funny- calm down number 1 fan. (would be flattered but this guy also found someone eating the same snack as him ridiculously funny)

Finally get to leave the train, silently very happy for the throat disease, no fear of kissing attempts.

Leave him grinning a little scarily at his half munched pasty.

Walking home I get a message- ‘We havbe to met for drink soon if your free, your a good laugh’’

Choose not to reply, bad grammer and spelling although he does make a good point.

I have been left questioning- had I been boozing would I be skipping home with him pasty in hand agreeing how funny i am?! For the first time ever I am happy to be sober.

Not sure online dating is for me.....

www.mysinglefriend.com/hasitreallycometothis?

This evening I have my very first date from the online dating world (I know but apparently it is much more acceptable in London, we are all swamped don’t you know)

My weapon of choice is mysinglefriend, mainly due to general laziness as I get someone else to promote me, also bit of an ego boost to have a mate describe me amongst other things as, I quote ‘the funniest person I know’

Anyway I am very dubious about the whole thing as I am into loud crazy indie types, I am pretty sure these type of people do not turn to the web, however I am giving Rob a chance as he made me chuckle (slightly) in his opening message.

Here is what I know so far about said guy pre date, some good, some bad:

• He abbreviates mysinglefriend to ‘msf’- geek
• He lives in the middle arse of zone 6 and owns his own flat- both of these facts make my chest go tight, he is clearly pretty sensible and (gulp) COMMITTED- terrifying
• He works in the city in finance- does however assure me he is not a banker
• He shares a mutual love of Barry’s- so much so he named his uni hamster Barry after Barry Evans- bit odd but always good to have a mutual interest I guess, even though I would take Barry Chuckle over Evans any day.
• He uses the word banter in emails far too much, sometimes even inserting the word ‘cheeky’ before it- oh dear
• He seems pretty receptive of the would you rather type of questions- might get to use my fav one on the date
• His photos all appear to be of a different person and it is pretty hard to make out his face too well, on the plus he does look pretty tall.

I also have the remainders of a throat infection leaving me sounding like Madge Bishop from Neighbours, not ideal but maybe it gives me a sexy edge?

Wish me luck ladies and gents….

Random question Friday- take 2

It is Friday already and I am still yet to write a proper blog story, apologies but get excited-it is the epic part of the week you all look forward to- random question Friday!

Today I pose the question- what are the top 5 odd things you have seen/heard about on the tube/general public transport? I hope this isn’t too biased on Londoners here.

Anyways here are mine- in no particular order (x factor style):

• A woman eating a raw broccoli like it is an apple- spotted on the central line at Oxford Circus
• A woman on a London bus eating pickles from a jar and then drinking the juice- I actually heaved and still do when rethinking of this moment
• A man on the Bakerloo line appearing to read the metro line by line with his nose with his eyes very shut- a skill I personally wish I had
• A woman by herself on the Victoria line in morning rush hour, dressed as a penguin.
• A man walking a Ferret along the platform at Euston- dressed in matching leathers complete with studding- I don’t understand ferrets

London- I love you

Random question Friday

I am a fan of random questions (aren’t we all) and it is a slow Friday afternoon countdown until pub o’clock- this is the inspiration behind my latest blog which may in fact become a Friday series- Random question Friday- catchy.

Today the question put to me was who would be in your boat of life? This is an adaptation of my more sinister version who would be in your car of death! The details are 6 seats, 6 celebrities (you have a solo seat up front)- go.

Here are mine with reasoning behind the options:

• Ben Lovett from Mumford and Sons (he is a beaut, plays the guitar and sings- entertaining in many ways on ze boat)
• Peter Kay- standard (bit worried the boat might tip over though, may need to think about where to seat him strategically)
• Amy Winehouse- she is after all my new BFF plus she is likely to have a bottle of vodka stashed  in her hair
• Rolf Harris- he could draw comical pictures for us and provide backing noise for Benny
• Delia Smith- she can whip us up some snacks
• Barry Chuckle- everyone needs a Barry

Hello, good evening and welcome

My first post- exciting moment for me.

To begin here are some facts about me so you understand me and my odd character slightly better:

I have no idea how to flirt- my current ‘skills’ include thumb wars, arm wrestling, high fives and demonstrating how I can put my fist in my mouth- vertically

I like to ask random questions a lot, many beginning with ‘would you rather…’

I recently had an erotic dream about Alf from Home and Away, I have ever since been questioning my current state of mind, I also share this information far too freely with others.

I have a major fear of all birds and cannot hide it at any point- ever

While intoxicated on cheap booze I ran up some stairs and broke my finger, I hear it resembled a Z and i enjoyed flapping it around. I remember nothing except waking up the next day on a drip in a hospital bed. 2 operations, 2 plaster casts and 5 and a half years later i have one majorly mangled wedding finger, I take this as fate.

I once suffered from elephantitis, a very comical disease involving major head/face swellage- in the middle of a clubbing holiday - sexy

I recently went sniff speed dating- I will blog about this experience very soon

I am unsure as to if I have ever had an uneventful date and may use this blogging experience as a cry for advice/help as to how to be a normal girlie girl- enjoy the ride

More to come once my laptop has been resuscitated by the experts- get ready it is likely to be a cringe filled ride